Poof and Then It's Gone

Life has so many ups and downs.  When I had my children, I had dreams and expectations for their lives.  Boy, does that get broken into pieces.  So far none of my dreams for them are any closer than when I dreamt them. 

My heart is mourning for, well I don't know exactly.  It hurts though.  I miss them as younger people, my babies, even our newest one.  I miss caring for them and knowing what's best.  Now I have to bite my tongue, lock up my thoughts and emotions (this one is very difficult for me), and try not to build a wall to protect myself. 

I still love them very much, but watching them make their own life choices is so hard.  Especially when I feel they should be making different ones. 

As I walk through this deep valley, I'm leaning on a few things:

1.  Isaiah 55:11 

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

I will not stop my love for God and I trust that my prayers for them, my example, my love will not return void. 

2.  Deuteronomy 7:9 

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,

I trust that my relationship with Christ and my faith will be a testimony, a blessing placed on generations to come. 

Lord, I ask right now that you would continue to shed light into my children's hearts.  I ask that they would come to know you in a way that they would never depart from you.  They desire to hear you, but say they don't.  Create in them a powerful desire to acknowledge you in everything and let them hear you.  Help them know that you are attainable, that you love them more than any person on this planet (including me) could love them.  Keep them safe and protect them from all the evil that the enemy wants to throw at them.  Amen. 

Whoa! Shinning in the Hard Moments

Adopting is not for the faint of hearts.  You have to be willing to put your heart out on the line, give it all you got, and know you can get your heart broken along the way.  Adopting a teen can even be harder...

Right now I'm working on internal struggles.  The struggles of not feeling like I'm enough for him.  You see God has moved so many mountains in his life and we've gotten to experience it.  It's been amazing, but so very, very hard too.  Now we have to walk through another hurdle, meeting his bio family. 

I know what all of you are thinking, as I'm sure we thought it too. First, I thought it was going to be later once he was 18-not now.  Not when we finally have set a foundation of love and have just gotten to where he knows with all his heart that we love him, unconditionally.  That no matter what happens we are still family.  As I type that I'm reiterating the exact message I was about to reveal. 

During the last month, there has been ups and downs emotionally for me.  Serious fear.  Fear of being rejected, of not being enough, getting my heart broken, the behavior creeping back up, and most of all the fear of having to compete with a woman that has spent 10 years fighting an addiction.  It doesn't help that our oldest baby girl has left the nest to do some adventures of her own.  So I'm feeling a loss and then fearing another, though it is unknown. 

Several revelations have come to me...

• That both of those precious people in my life are not MINE.  Well they are my children that God gave me to raise for a short while, to comfort, teach, and be an example to so they can be successful adults.  But in reality they are His.
• I have to trust my Lord and savior to take care of them and protect them from the evils of this world.  
• I have to believe what God says, teach them the way they should go so they do not depart from Him.  
• I have to ask God to continue to work in me the exact mom that they need and for Him to fill their hearts with His character.  
• I've come to realize is that Jesus died for every.single.human on this Earth, even her.  
• We've discussed for two years now that forgiveness is the key to unlocking true healing.  So for him to be able to desire to meet her, talk with her, and forgive her is huge.  Is it tough for me?  Sure, but isn't that what God called me to do.  Show him what love, forgiveness, stability, and be the example of what God's grace is.  Even as I type this, I'm thinking about the amount of tears of have shed.  
• So praise God our sweet boy is listening and desires to have the full gift of healing that comes from salvation and forgiveness. 
• Continuing to be in the word and discerning the Lord's desires for us will be key.  
• The Lord has pressed upon me to pray for her salvation so she can actually be a mom to the two other children she has, for her to feel forgiveness with our son and the other two she has lost as well.  
• Another thing I've taken into my soul/heart is that I am our sweet baby's mom.  God placed him for a season of time for us to nurture and love.  That God has allowed him to overcome so many battles in his life and will not turn back on him.  That I have nothing to fear because the Lord promises good gifts to those who love him.  

So many changes in life, whether they are good or bad.  But I can say wholeheartedly that I have/will worship Him in it all.  He is my comfort, my healer, my protector, my creator, my provider, my everything.  In him I can do and have immeasurably more than I ask for.  I desire with all that's in me to be his good and faithful servant, to live a life that pours out his grace and mercy, and me to glow with his character to give hope to those around me.  

Lord, you know my troubles and praises.  To you I give all my glory and honor.  I know that I am not perfect, but I ask that you continue to fill me with your character and to help me to be the woman that you've called me to be.  Thank you for loving me, giving me strength when I feel I have no more, for easing my cries of worry for my children.  Protect my family from all of satan's tricks and schemes.  In you I will be favored.  In Jesus' name-Amen.  

Why Do I Even Bother?

Interesting how much we care for our people, our tribe surrounding us with sometimes very little in return as far as concern for themselves.  So why do we even bother with people! Really, the blood, sweat, and tears especially poured into our family and close friends.  It feels so pointless at times when you see paths they are choosing and nothing you say is sinking into their thick skulls. 

To answer this, I need to think about how my Heavenly Father things about me...Isn't it the same?  Don't we see memes saying that our guardian angels are thumping their foreheads in dismay at our choices.  I tell you what I know mine has had a hay day at times with me.  But yet, God never stops! He never stops picking me up, dusting me off, and reminding me who He is and most importantly who I am in Him. 

Let's be a body of people who never give up on the things that glorify God.  He is all we have in this world that is constant and full of truth, and even loves us at our worst.  Share this beautiful sentiment to those around you.  Will we be exhausted?  Yes, probably more than we could ever imagine.  Nonetheless, we will be fulfilling our destiny to God's people and leaving a legacy to our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. 

#BeTheLightInThisDarkWorld
#ItsHardWorkToLovePeople
#Phillpians4:13

Lord, Jesus.  I am amazed at how much you love me even spite my shortcomings.  Going through the trials of life now is hard, but it isn't any harder than what you have brought me out of in the past.  I have experienced your blessings while being obedient, your healing, your provision and all while knowing that it could only be a miracle to walk through to the other side.  I ask, even now as I type to you, for more territory for my children and husband.  I ask that they would experience you in such a mighty way that NO ONE and NOTHING could sway them from you.  Place a deep desire in them to know you and to lean to you all situations.  Lord, I need your strength and your mighty wisdom each day to make the decisions that would impact my family.  Place me around strong, Godly people that know your word and promises for our lives.  When I'm spinning and feel like giving up, run down and grab me before I make terrible mistakes with my words or actions.  You are my Savior, my Creator, my Healer, my Provider, my Wisdom and Knowledge.  In you I can do all things.  Amen.

Growing Up is Hard to Do

Wow! Remembering back to when I was leaving the nest tonight as I left my first born after the surprise birthday party for her.  I remember how exciting it was and how I knew everything...

It's hard to live with your child for 18 years, 24/7, homeschooling, etc.  Knowing every single thing about them, down to how they like their eggs or even their clothes washed.  And then atlas be surrounded by their new environment with people that love her too, that respect her, that share Jesus moments with her, do life...Telling you how wonderful she is and how much she is a blessing in their lives, when all the while in my heart I'm screaming, "I know her, I know how beautiful she is."

When will it feel like my heart will stop hurting or when will I stop fighting tears back when I think of her or see her leave once more? 

I keep hearing you've raised her so well or you've done such a good job, etc.  Did I?  Part of me says, "Well well I have a good kid, so I should congratulate myself!"  The other part, the most predominant one says, "God has done it all...he just placed her into my hands and molded the rest."

I don't always think what she is doing is the best, but I left again tonight knowing that she is a good person, that she loves the Lord with all her heart and only wants His will for her life.

Lord, you are our Abba Daddy.  You gave us this life and we want to use the gifts that you entrusted us with to glorify your name.  I ask that you would pour your spirit out on us...I pray that our girl will know exactly where you want her to be and that you protect her with everything you got.  Give us peace with her decision and provision to bring her home, if needed.  Lord allow you to work so much in her life that she could have testimony after testimony to share with others.  I pray she is a vessel for others to come to know the Lord and that her siblings would know you as their Lord and savior as well.  That they too would be overwhelmed by your love and mercy in their lives and live forever glorifying your name.  In Jesus' name-Amen

Birthday Pondering

Well it's here again, even though the older I get I wonder how long I will enjoy them.  I was greeted by special people throughout the day via FaceTime, text, phone calls, and posts.  Today was a good lesson in being a grown up, as the kids did school and I worked.  Interesting enough I made two appointments to the dentist with one being a more urgent visit.  Even the hygienist said, "You must really like us to come on your birthday."  :)

The dentist was a bust for one, but all is well.  We just keep trucking and praying each day that the Lord will grant us favor, wisdom, and stature.

Lunch was another surprise as we sat for what seemed like hours with some friends.  Chatting away, laughing and joking, and eating.  I tell you what, I enjoy sitting around gaining relationships through fellowship.  It makes my heart happy.  Our sweet church does it once a month, I encourage it through park time and Mom time with co-op, and it tops it off with our family and friends.

Tonight we had a typical dinner all sitting around the table, but it included our first free bird which is always a sweet bonus.  After a while, she told us all to get in the car for a surprise.  Her idea was brilliant...she just knows her mama's heart.  She took us to the beach for Sno Balls.  Just that and the drive home ended my day with an overflowing sense of joy.  Ya know the kind that only God can give.  All 4 of my sweeties were with me, my sweet hubby too...Laughing, enjoying awesome shaved ice, then jamming and singing all the way home.

What a perfect ending to a somewhat normal day.  It's definitely in the little things, like who your with and the finite details that the Lord works out in his magnificent way.


Lord, my Abba Daddy.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  You are so good to me and know my every need/want/desire.  Thank you for continuing to show up in every detail of my life and allowing me to see you.  These people that you've brought to me, some far away, some near, and some right here in our home are so very important to me.  They bring joy to me and give me opportunities of growth spiritually and emotionally.  I ask you to continue to shape me into the woman that you've created me to be, give me strength to continue the straight path with you, and wisdom to live a life that exudes your very character and nature.

Amen

#ParentingIsHard

Lately I have been walking through the woes of parenting and that of teens.  These precious people are on the way of being independent adults and it takes a tribe y'all to get them there.  I desire with my whole heart that they would know the God of Jennifer and develop a deep, unshakable relationship with the one that Loves them more than anyone ever could. 

As I think of my past failures as a teen/young adult, I cry to think that my children will have to find their way as well in these uncharted, personal territories.  The difference is I will NEVER stop praying and interceding for them so their falls will be less and their own.  We all have these, but my desire is that they will learn from our mistakes and move to make their own. 

God is sovereign, if they would only desire His will for their lives and reach out to Him in every situation they would feel his presence and hear his voice to walk a blessed path in this life.

Trust is something that has to be earned, but they also have to give trust to be able to gain it. Isn't that how it works with even God? We have to trust that His word is true, that He loves us, and He wants the best for us in order for us to receive the trust He gives. 

My love for my children is great and my prayers for them each day for healing, successful lives/marriages, and to have salvation/conviction/protection of their heart and soul are not going unheard.  God catches my tears, He hears my prayers, He desires to capture the attention of their hearts, and desires for them to stand beside him all the days of their lives.  This assures me that my prayers are not invalid or counted as void. 

Lord, God, you are My beloved, my redeemer, my provider, and my comfort.  Where ever you go, I want to go with you.  I pray that my children would experience redemption from you as their Lord and Savior, experience you as Abba Daddy who loves them more than anyone on this planet could love them.  I ask that you give them wisdom and strength to get through this season in life as you protect their reputations, their minds their souls.  Allow your presence to be strong in their lives and no matter how far they try to run from you that they can't escape you! I pray that you would surround them Godly people that would unashamedly point them back to you.  I know you hear my cries for the children you entrusted me with.  These are your children and I pray these things in your Holy name- Jesus. Amen.

Looking Back

I know dwelling in the past is not good for the soul, but praising the "thus far" (as Beth Moore states in A Heart Like His) that God has brought you to is powerful.  I can't imagine being a bystander looking through the woes and delights of my life.  I've been told that I've gone through so much in such a short period of time.  Going through the struggles of this life isn't easy, but looking back on God's work in it all fuels me to keep pressing on.

Growing up, now looking back, wasn't as tough as it could be.  I had to deal with the effects of an unbiblical marriage between my parents and of drugs/alcohol.  Watching my dad grow and mature, turn away from those things has been healing in my adult life.  I assure you that forgiveness can be hard, but man, once you experience it-it's amazing.  Now I pray that he will accept God for himself one day, so we can live in eternity together.

As a women, I brought my raising into my marriage.  God placed me in life with folks that pointed me to forgiveness with the things of my past, so that I can bring healing into my life and into my marriage.

Sweetie #1 had a Keratin Cyst when she was 7 years old.  At this time I was able to feel what the peace of God felt like.  No matter what the doctor's said or my worried parents thought, I felt that God had way more for her than 7 years.  Looking back today, I am amazed at her desire for His work.  She has had a heart for missions since she was 5 years old.  She's gone on every mission trip that the Lord provided for and to date has gone on 4 short terms.  She currently is working with the ministry My Father's Arrows and feels so very important to the mission.  God has greatly blessed her and continues to do so.

Sweetie #2 is our adopted son.  He now is in #2 due to age :) There are so many amazing stories that I could share with everyone regarding his healing journey during the last year and half, but one tops them.  After been abandoned by his adoptive family at a mental institution, he definitely lost all hope.  I know we've talked about how he felt there couldn't be a God and if there was he had abandoned him too.  He had a rough year, but to start it off he was arrested for fighting with his foster brother.  The amazing part of the story is I started praying for protection for our son that we didn't know yet, as we began the training to get certified to adopt.  I specifically prayed for physical protection and for God to guard his heart, to prepare him for our family and to keep him safe until we could meet him.  We found out in the disclosure meeting that he tried to commit suicide while he was incarcerated.  There was a very large tornado that came through the area which scared him.  I was convinced that there was so much more to that than what was shared, but accepted the event.  several months later we were talking about Judas Iscariot and how he committed suicide, along with my aunt that suffered from mental illness that did the same.  He came unexpectedly into my room and announced that it must take a lot of courage to kill yourself.  I paused and then told him that in my mind it would take way more courage to not kill yourself and asked how he felt about when he chose not too.  This shocked him, as this is something he doesn't think about nor talk about.  I asked him who stopped him and he told me that some kid that he had never seen before.  It dawned on me the timing and then I shared that I had been praying for him before we even knew him.  That little boy could have been an angel from God protecting him from hurting himself so he can be with us.  He told me that he never saw that boy again either.  I've learned through this that God hears my cries and delivers on His promises.  Even now I'm learning, as sweetie's story isn't even close to done.  Wow! Just to think God's will is perfect and will come through.

Sweetie #3 was born with hip dysplasia and lived with a body harness for the first 6-7 months of her life.  We saw for the first time someone being healed right in front of our eyes.  We also experienced the power of prayer.  We were at one of the many appointments for her at the pediatric orthopedic when he said what we had been fearing for months, that she needed surgery.  This surgery would consist of many, many hip replacements that would have to occur due to her ever growing body.  I came home that day and immediately ask for prayer with my sunday school and church.  The next week my parents went with me to the appointment.  The doctor had told me to think of a date during the week, but instead I prayed with much vigor for healing in her little body.  At the appointment, the doctor did multiple x-rays and rotated her hip for what seemed like 20 minutes.  At last I asked, what's going on?  He looked at me with surprise and said he didn't know what happened within the week but her hip ball/joint grew and her hip wasn't coming out of place!  I told the doctor that I had the whole county praying for her and God healed her.  Y'all this was amazing to experience!  To experience my parents/hubby to see that God was real and that He listens to his children, and the doctor's dumb founded face.  Even years later, I would meet people for the first time and they would recognize my name, then proceed to tell me that they remember praying for my little girl.  Seriously, this catapulted my desire to know Him so much more.

Sweetie #4 experienced 7 ear infections within the first year of his life.  He was such a sick little boy and the doctors just kept feeding him pills which weren't helping. God placed in our lives a homeschooling mom that was a chiropractor.  After two adjustments, he was a new boy and got better every day.  The long term affects of the infections caused hearing loss, which made us have to learn simple sign language to communicate with him.  A year later, after Wayne's accident we were able to see a specialist and get William the surgery that he needed to hear again.  They said to keep him as rested as we could that day, and as we sat outside watching the chickens, he said, "Ma you hr dat."  I asked to what he was referring too, because to me there were so many noises.  He replied, "da win." Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized this was the first time my baby had heard the wind.  During this time, I experienced so much as we were going through me going back to work and me taking care of Wayne due to his accident as well.  I learned to talk with God as a friend and our relationship grew tremendously, learned to trust Him with my life, to just keep breathing and move even if its one inch.

Whew! I have a few more things and still rocking this journey.  God never promised it would be easy, but he did promise He would be there-ALWAYS.  That he would never forsake us and that he would give good gifts to those who love Him.  He may say no to things we ask, but we must understand that He only allows good things for our growth, to deepen our relationship with him and with this growth we can encourage those around us...giving them Hope that only he can give.

Lord, Thank you for everything that has happened to me-good or bad.  Thank you for allowing me to be closer to you and for continuing to mold me into the woman you created me to be.  Your will is perfect and I ask that I'm always reminded of this in every situation.  Amen.