Right now I'm working on internal struggles. The struggles of not feeling like I'm enough for him. You see God has moved so many mountains in his life and we've gotten to experience it. It's been amazing, but so very, very hard too. Now we have to walk through another hurdle, meeting his bio family.
I know what all of you are thinking, as I'm sure we thought it too. First, I thought it was going to be later once he was 18-not now. Not when we finally have set a foundation of love and have just gotten to where he knows with all his heart that we love him, unconditionally. That no matter what happens we are still family. As I type that I'm reiterating the exact message I was about to reveal.
During the last month, there has been ups and downs emotionally for me. Serious fear. Fear of being rejected, of not being enough, getting my heart broken, the behavior creeping back up, and most of all the fear of having to compete with a woman that has spent 10 years fighting an addiction. It doesn't help that our oldest baby girl has left the nest to do some adventures of her own. So I'm feeling a loss and then fearing another, though it is unknown.
Several revelations have come to me...
- That both of those precious people in my life are not MINE. Well they are my children that God gave me to raise for a short while, to comfort, teach, and be an example to so they can be successful adults. But in reality they are His.
- I have to trust my Lord and savior to take care of them and protect them from the evils of this world.
- I have to believe what God says, teach them the way they should go so they do not depart from Him.
- I have to ask God to continue to work in me the exact mom that they need and for Him to fill their hearts with His character.
- I've come to realize is that Jesus died for every.single.human on this Earth, even her.
- We've discussed for two years now that forgiveness is the key to unlocking true healing. So for him to be able to desire to meet her, talk with her, and forgive her is huge. Is it tough for me? Sure, but isn't that what God called me to do. Show him what love, forgiveness, stability, and be the example of what God's grace is. Even as I type this, I'm thinking about the amount of tears of have shed.
- So praise God our sweet boy is listening and desires to have the full gift of healing that comes from salvation and forgiveness.
- Continuing to be in the word and discerning the Lord's desires for us will be key.
- The Lord has pressed upon me to pray for her salvation so she can actually be a mom to the two other children she has, for her to feel forgiveness with our son and the other two she has lost as well.
- Another thing I've taken into my soul/heart is that I am our sweet baby's mom. God placed him for a season of time for us to nurture and love. That God has allowed him to overcome so many battles in his life and will not turn back on him. That I have nothing to fear because the Lord promises good gifts to those who love him.
So many changes in life, whether they are good or bad. But I can say wholeheartedly that I have/will worship Him in it all. He is my comfort, my healer, my protector, my creator, my provider, my everything. In him I can do and have immeasurably more than I ask for. I desire with all that's in me to be his good and faithful servant, to live a life that pours out his grace and mercy, and me to glow with his character to give hope to those around me.
Lord, you know my troubles and praises. To you I give all my glory and honor. I know that I am not perfect, but I ask that you continue to fill me with your character and to help me to be the woman that you've called me to be. Thank you for loving me, giving me strength when I feel I have no more, for easing my cries of worry for my children. Protect my family from all of satan's tricks and schemes. In you I will be favored. In Jesus' name-Amen.
