Lately, I have felt so numb as if I am in some weird holding position. I finally went to a Whole Hearts Session which revealed that I needed to forgive some people and that I have been broken. To be honest, I went into the session expecting God to be there and for him to reveal healing. Healing is tricky, because it takes layers sometimes to get to it. God did reveal a foggy image of an Indian Bridal tiara to me, when asked to show me who I was to him. I left feeling lighter and focused on Him.
After this and during the last two weeks, I still feel like my mind is wandering and the numbness is still there. I have been seeking the Lord and asking for direction, peace, etc. and last Thursday I heard two songs that just touched me: Overcomer by Mandisa and While I am waiting by John Waller. I have heard these songs before, but that day they pierced me. Then at church that Sunday a song played that was written by the worship leader just broke me down...It talked about going to the pits of hell to get what Satan has stolen.
So, during my quiet time Friday, I am reading Experiencing God and asked how has God shown his love to you. I hesitated and began to journal our journey; how he allowed us to experience peace and an opportunity to speak to others about tumors when Natalie had a tumor at the age of 7, how even though going to the Children's Orthopedics of Atlanta was daunting every week, it gave us peace and assurance that our situation though it seems scary in our bubble was nothing compared to others. Anna being born with hip dysplacia and going there for 6 months weekly, allowed God to be trusted for healing and for us to experience the power of prayer once again. I remembered the frustration of government insurance and the refusal to operate on William when he was one, due to frequent hear infections which led to hearing loss. But God wanted the best for him, so we had to wait until Wayne almost died and I went back to work. Wayne was literally 1 inch away from loosing his life, but God saved him for something bigger. Wayne isn't done here yet. I remembered that I couldn't read my bible in the hospital, the words were blurry. I cried because I knew God's word would get me through the feeling of loss and the unsettled feeling of what happens next, what is our future going to be. He led me to a verse in John, which I didn't write down regretfully, but it showed me that He was right there with me in that waiting room and He was surprised. It took 10 months, four surgeries, and lots of tears and prayers to get a return to work notice. During this time, God delivered me to a job in 15 minutes of applying for it. I felt his peace and God gave me much success in a place that I have no experience. Also in this place, I received really good insurance. This insurance gave William (all in 1 1/2 months) surgery for his ears, stitches to put his thumb back on, and ER services for a bad day with a gas operated golf cart :-( God gave him hearing! Not just a little, but like super-sonic...where he can hear you say something (as you are whispering) in another room, hearing! In the last 3 years, especially, we have experienced tremendous job loss and lack of work. We lost our home that we built and designed, which was next to my best friend. This adds to all the "feelings" that I have been experiencing as well. God spoke to me and allowed my Grandmother's house to be empty. It took two months of praying and courage to leap, but we did. God provided a promise of new ceilings the day we moved in, instant knowledge of his promise to keep us safe that I was questioning him about. He then took it a step further and brought the same man back to give us another bedroom and bathroom...
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Ephesians 3:19-21
This moves me to today's: God's Direction for My Life.
What is God directing you to do? Why do you think he is sending you here?
It all came together for me this morning. Remembering the study from Friday, the revelations from the session, the songs lyrics that I was pierced with, and from the thought of not allowing Satan to steal from me any more. God is clearing telling me that I am to be still and wait. He promised me with his own words, moving here He would send blessings upon us and safety. He has shown us some of his promises already. So, I will wait though I am very impatient by nature and will find it hard, but I will worship and pray and remember His love for me and what He has done for me. His ways are perfect, His love is everlasting, and He is all-knowing. In this I will find peace and rest. Not sure what the future holds, but I will know that with God all things are possible and in Him I will find my blessings.
Lord, thank you for the opportunity to serve you and others. Sometimes I feel like Moses trying to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but I know that you are there. Give me confidence and wisdom to lead while glorifying your name. I ask that you would speak clearly to me for the paths that I must cross today and everyday. God give Wayne and I the ability to be obedient in you so we can lead our family to you in all circumstances. You are our rock and our shield, our Comforter, our Savior, our Prince of Peace, Rod and Staff, our Healer, and you keep your promises. Allow our situations and testimonies to be a light in someones darkness and to always point to you. Thank you Lord for your friendship and steadfast love. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.
