It's My Birthday

As I sit here tonight, thinking of the day, I caught myself thinking birthdays are just another day.  Ya know, kind of bummed that exciting parties, cake (in my case it would have to be gluten free), family, and friends were things of yesteryear.  I almost had a fog of depression moving in on me.  Partly because my hubby said he was working late and me thinking of our direction financially.  But I stopped and thought about my events of the day.  I had the privilege of my best friend of just a short year (but I feel like I have known her for a life time) drop her son off for me to school today and give me her Nook Color for my birthday.  Wow! I then was able to work lightly with my students (my 2 daughters and friend) with some bible and history.  I decided that if I wasn't going to do anything spectacular with my birthday, I should serve. To be honest, I feel like I have shown my students today, that it is not about receiving but giving.  I financially have nothing to give, but physically I could give my joy and love that God has given me.  We only served the local people for an hour and half, but we were praying for healing, laughing as we gained relationships, and gave food to restore hope with people.  What a joy it is to serve others, even when you don't feel like life is going your way.  Satan has no room here, only the one true God that I serve when I serve in His name.  Thank you Lord, for how much you love me.  I pray that my hands and feet will always serve you.  I ask that my words, thoughts, and actions make sweet incense to your nose.  Please guide my life with goals in mind, blessing everyone around me.  Help me Lord not to grow weary of doing good.  I pray Lord that I will not boast in anything or cause me to get the credit that is due to you.  Allow the work that I do to be yours and no others.  Give me strength and wisdom.  Thank you Lord, You are Amazing. Amen.

James 1: 2-4
Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you face various trials, because knowing that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

Galations 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 

State of Worship

I have spent the week at a Vineyard Conference with a friend, my pastor, and his wife.  I have never even been to a revival before, let alone a week long conference.  So, needless to say it has been a week.  


Since being obedient to God two years ago, I have been dealing with "what's real" and "what's not".  I also have been dealing with feeling worthy to do what God has called me to, which is a big task for the children's ministry.  


There is a man named Robbie Dawkins.  He is known for his healing through the authority of Jesus Christ.  Well, to be honest fear is what rises when I see Mr. Dawkin's work.  So, when the service came for him to speak, I almost didn't go.  But I am glad that I did.   


As they introduced him they said some of you know him and some of you are afraid. I laughed out loud! Partly bc I was the one afraid :-) I prayed silently for God to reveal himself to me in a word that know one else knows. 


Boy did he. 


First, after a whole bunch of people came in floods to him as I stayed at my seat, he said he felt like someone was feeling lack of courage and to step out. I received that and moved towards my friend. As I tried to pray for my friend and her hurting heart I realized that Robby was standing right next to me. After a few minutes he turned and said ma'am I feel you need healing (well he doesn't know me from Adam and I never told him I feel like an 80 year old woman trapped in a 32 year old body), so I began weeping instantly. As I felt a sense of warmth move over my body, he stopped and said God is telling me that you don't feel worthy. (OK even more tears came flushing my face bc I had only told two people that and one didn't know him from Adam and the other didn't tell him). He began to speak prophetic words that I was a warrior for him. "Rise Warrior Rise". 


So meet my new motto. I am worthy and I will reach those He has called me to reach. I will live, move, pray with the lost broken shamed hopeless forgotten. He has not forgotten you. You are His precious children that he values so much.  He wrote your name on the palm of his name. I may have not gotten complete healing of my body tonight, but I received restoration of my spirit through the truth of My King!


It has been such a sweet time being in a state of worship with no distractions for 4 days.  I have never experienced anything like it before and now I look forward to be with my heavenly father more and more.  I am continuing to fight the good fight and I will not grow weary in doing good.  He is my healer, my provider, my comforter, my Abba father.  In Him I find rest.  

Life is getting a little hairy...

Saturday, Wayne texted to ask me to pack for him for a week.  I called him back and asked, "Why?" His company sees it fit for him to go to North Carolina to train a man that has never been in the trucking industry or ever dispatched. I drove him to the pick up spot in Mableton, Ga and felt old feelings creeping in.

Back in October, when I came home and Wayne went over the road, I had so much fear and darkness to cover me.  I felt that I had gone through the process of almost loosing him all over again.  I know that sounds a little dramatic, but its true.  I came home to children I didn't know anymore and to myself, which I didn't know or fully understand.  To top that off, a week later Wayne left for 3 weeks. Now, 9 months later, I can be in my own skin.  I know that I am not the person I was 2 years ago, but neither are any of us.  Getting to know one another has been a challenge, but one worth taking.  I love being home with my children and serving my husband. 

Our journey is a continuing one.  First, I would like to say that I would not change anything, even though it has been so hard.  God has blossomed a beautiful relationship between Wayne and I; better than ever before.  We truly understand one another.  This in itself is such an answer to God.  I have prayed for the man God wants Wayne to be.  It is evident that man is coming.  God wants something BIG for him and his relationship with our Father is growing each day. 

Another thing that our journey is taking us, is through our church.  God has called me to do something I feel so unequipped to do, but he is showing himself everywhere.  The mission is enormous and makes me come to the Father even more.  Gideon also felt this way, but conquered great things. 

I face physical challenges everyday due to the Rheumatoid Arthritis that plagues my body.  The more that I answer to the call of the Lord, sometimes I feel Satan attacks me more.  Today, I feel strengthened.  I have people who pray for me and the mission that God has me on.  Not only are they praying for those things, but for my husband's success in his career and our family.  In this life, I just don't see how you can live without God, the one and only, the creator, the finisher, the Healer ( I will be healed in due time...His time), the Prince of Peace, the Lord of Lords, the Comforter. and the Provider.  He is my everything...

Lord, I praise you.  I lift up my husband to you.  I ask that you keep him safe and give him favor with his career.  I pray that he would be able to teach in a way that the trainee understands.  I pray, Lord, that his return is secure and safe.  Please remove any doubt or fear from me, now.  There is no place here for it.  You have always, always been there for us.  You have never forsaken us.  Lead your mission with our church.  never allow it to become "mine".  Rise up leaders and volunteers to do it for you and no other.  Thank you Lord for those who have stepped out and accepted the challenge that lies ahead.  Bless them Lord and give them guidance, direction, leading to you in those areas of the mission field.  I pray that you will sustain us and keep us going strong.  I ask that we not "fizzle" out, but never grow weary of doing good.  Lord, allow my relationship with my own children be redeemed to something that only you can do.  I pray that their husbands and wives will be Godly followers of Christ.  Guide them to their purposes in life and allow them to not be shaken.  Thank you Father for your Love and Peace.  I ask all this in your precious son's name, Jesus Christ.  Amen

Gideon VS Me

As I prepare to engage some children with an activity for a missions project, I realized just how closely related I am to our friend Gideon.  The profile in my bible gives a description of his weaknesses and I said "Hmmm sounds like me".  He feared that his own limitations would prevent God from working.  Boy, do I fear these things too.  I pray Lord that you will take these fears of my weaknesses away.  I want to do your work and establish a deep relationship with you offering my testimonies to all that will hear.  I pray that I learn from the lessons of Gideon.  He was apart of the weakest clan and the least of the weakest, but yet you used him to defeat the undefeatable.  I am weak, but in you I am strong.  Ring this truth into my spirit and crush the enemy with his lies.  Do not allow me to make the work of your Compassion and Love into something to worship.  All is done in your name and not my own.  You have called me in the middle of my obedience and I want to be faithful.  You are creating a masterpiece within me and expanding my abilities to further your kingdom.  What peace I have to know that you can use me in all my failures and limitations for the good of your people and kingdom.  I ask Lord that you protect me from falling easily into sin and allow me to learn quickly to turn my gaze on you, Always.  Thank you for allowing me to be your servant.  You are my Abba Father and I love you.  Thank you, Thank you...In Jesus' Name-Amen.

Interesting Journey

God is so humorous, but all seeing.  You know that he calls the least of these to do the greatest things.  For example: Samuel was just a child, but completely dedicated to the Lord.  David took town Goliath, which by comparison is a miracle.   Last but not least, Gideon.  Oh Gideon.  He himself did not even feel worthy of the task that God laid before him, but his accomplishments spoke Mountains of what God can do with us. 


So, God has called me (in the middle of a service mind you) to lead our Children's Ministry.  What a BIG task to fill?  He literally has given me the material, dates, times, schedule, security, paperwork, etc that I need...He really wants me to do this :-)

I have often heard the demons say that your not good enough, or you can't be a role model to children much less teach them about Him...In these moments have to remember that I am a Daughter of the most high God and He is giving me the wisdom plus the means to do all of this.  I can do nothing of myself.


What a mighty God we serve.  He loves me no matter what.  Thank you Lord for the provision in the teaching of the children at our church.  I pray that you will rise up volunteers to take on this task at hand and that you will protect us from harm.  Lord I ask that you continually give me encouragement through my pastor, his wife, parents, and especially through my husband and children.  You are the focus of our studies and I pray that you are NEVER not.  I lift up every student and future students of our group.  I ask that you would reign in their lives and allow them to be forever moved, which would in turn change the lives of others.  Give me the wisdom Lord to conduct myself in a Godly manner, loving everyone around me and sharing your Compassion.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Death

It is amazing the difference in how people react to death.  Some never come by or call, because they just can't handle looking or hearing about how their loved one as they deteriorate.  Some have the burden of caring for the loved one full time, which they struggle with guilt of sometimes wanting to give up.  Either way, is hard and you will never know how you will handle it until death hits you right in the face. 

I have had the honor to be next door to my friend, who has taken the load of caring for her mother for the last five months.  When she arrived, we thought it to be only a month or so, but the care was obviously so much better than she was previously given.  Her conditions improved to where we thought she may live like this for 5-10 years.  Last week I noticed something had changed.  Her demeanor was different.  I didn't think much about it because I figured that my friend had noticed it too.  Four days later, a nurse was called in to evaluate her due to swelling and on going pain.  The verdict from that nurse was that her kidneys were failing.  Yesterday, her regular nurse evaluated her and stated she noticed a big difference in behavior and health too.  She gave my friend, what I call, the "death talk".  I never had such a pleasure before listening to the description of death.  She compared it to a developing fetus.  As God created us one organ at a time in the womb, we move from one world to another one organ at a time.  She said that the least important functions go first, like circulation until the Heart and Lungs (which is the last stage) go.  She also said that the journey for the sick is a long one and it takes a lifetime.  For the caregiver and family it is brief, because they tend not to notice the changes when they first occur in the process.  Her peaceful and mono-toned voice was almost like a breath of fresh air.

Death is so uncertain, so scary for most humans to handle.  Today, I am one step further from becoming not afraid, but joyful.  Joyful because that is one step closer to the Lord and to the gates of Heaven.  I did ask the Lord to allow me to live long on the earth and for my children not to experience this in a young age.  It is one thing to experience this with Grandparents, my neighbor's mom, cousins, etc than to watch your Mother or Father go through this...So, in my prayers I am asking the Lord to give me peace and allow His will which is perfect to be done. 

Unexpected Moments

As we were packing to go to the lake, William noticed a sock money.  You see the sock monkey was made by my best friend's mother, before she become ill. They currently have a relationship, due to her moving in with my friend.  He sees Ms. Betty almost everyday, hugging and telling her that he loves her.  She lights up when she sees him come through the door.  I didn't realize this relationship until what happened next.  He has had this monkey since he was a wee little thing, and never played with it or noticed it.  Something was different today though.  He asked me, "Where did I get this, Mommy?" I replied by telling him it was from Ms. Betty before she was sick.  He looked at it with such awe..and turned announcing to his sisters with joy, "Natalie, Ms. Betty made this for me! Anna, Ms. Betty made this for me!"  I can't explain the excitement and thrill to his heart that shined upon his face.  He has not put the monkey down and even slept with it.

Some things in life are not understood at the time they occur, but when the Ah Ha moment comes it is quite overwhelming.  My mother taught me that "It is better to have loved, then to have never loved before."  This lesson is very hard, especially when we know the outcome of our lives here on earth.


God thank you for our friend Ms. Betty.  She is such a beautiful creation from your skillful hands.  I ask that you bless her Lord and keep her with your peace.  I pray Lord that when it is her time, that you will just take her like a breath of air.  I also pray Lord that the relationships that are made with her are treasured for your Glory.  You are mighty and awesome in power.  I will serve you all my days and pray my children and husband will too.  In your precious son's name, Jesus.  Amen.